I did pray about it. I had a dream and I was explicitly told to "Stay". So I did. I didn't like that answer. However, if it was from God, then so be it. If it wasn't, so be it. I really didn't have a whole lot of will power at that point to have a discussion with myself on the matter.
I set some rules for myself. I needed to be true to myself. I didn't believe that rule X or Y made any sense, so as far as I was concerned, they didn't matter and I wasn't going to sweat over it. If I caused a fuss, then send me home. I didn't care. I needed to get out of whatever hole I was in and that was that. I had a companion at that time that more than helped and could see how desperate I was for any kind of normalcy.
I was eventually transferred to Catskill, NY. It wasn't hell, but you could've seen it from there. I personally became better and had a good companion. The branch was horrible but we had some people that tolerated us. It was a beautiful area. I wished I could have enjoyed it more. I only gave away one Book of Mormon there. She wanted to give it back, but we wouldn't let her. They closed the area after they transferred us out.
Danbury, CT. It was fantastic. My comp was wonderful and I truly enjoyed my time there. I met some great people and for once in the past year and a half, I felt like a person again. I had my only baptism there. I don't think he understood what was going on, but we did get a wonderful party out of it. My last month I was sent to Derby. Nothing of note. My mind was already home. BYU had re-accepted me and I was going back to reclaim the person that was me.
Dating was treacherous. It was a minefield that I didn't recall, but it was probably because I was now a Return Missionary (RM). Some of these girls were in it to win. I did meet "the girl" and she had married. She worked in the bookstore, and I steadfastly avoided the bookstore. It hurt to know what kind of a person I was just a year earlier. I was ashamed of myself and I just wanted to hide from it all. I was faithful through all of this. One of my closest friends, when I told him of just a few of the things I felt, was surprised that I was still a member of the church, that most would have left after all that. I looked at him incredulously and responded, "I love the Lord."
I met a girl in German and in our second semester together, I built up enough nerve to ask her out. I was already dating regularly and often, but this girl was different. After a few weeks of pulling out all the stops, I decided to quit trying with her, as another girl I was dating seemed genuinely interested in me. That weekend, the girl I tried so hard to have notice me brought me cookies. Things moved quickly and before I was even home a full year, I was married.
I can't recall too many spiritual bumps in the road. My wife and I carried on as many other good mormon couples. I still struggled through meetings. I was hard pressed to find good religious reading material as most LDS authors left me desiring more...something. We had moved to Chicago. We were temple workers, presidents, clerks, teachers. We were good LDS people. Then, the internet happened. Information was streaming into our lives. Mine wouldn't be the same.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUVJ9_8NyXY
I set some rules for myself. I needed to be true to myself. I didn't believe that rule X or Y made any sense, so as far as I was concerned, they didn't matter and I wasn't going to sweat over it. If I caused a fuss, then send me home. I didn't care. I needed to get out of whatever hole I was in and that was that. I had a companion at that time that more than helped and could see how desperate I was for any kind of normalcy.
I was eventually transferred to Catskill, NY. It wasn't hell, but you could've seen it from there. I personally became better and had a good companion. The branch was horrible but we had some people that tolerated us. It was a beautiful area. I wished I could have enjoyed it more. I only gave away one Book of Mormon there. She wanted to give it back, but we wouldn't let her. They closed the area after they transferred us out.
Danbury, CT. It was fantastic. My comp was wonderful and I truly enjoyed my time there. I met some great people and for once in the past year and a half, I felt like a person again. I had my only baptism there. I don't think he understood what was going on, but we did get a wonderful party out of it. My last month I was sent to Derby. Nothing of note. My mind was already home. BYU had re-accepted me and I was going back to reclaim the person that was me.
Dating was treacherous. It was a minefield that I didn't recall, but it was probably because I was now a Return Missionary (RM). Some of these girls were in it to win. I did meet "the girl" and she had married. She worked in the bookstore, and I steadfastly avoided the bookstore. It hurt to know what kind of a person I was just a year earlier. I was ashamed of myself and I just wanted to hide from it all. I was faithful through all of this. One of my closest friends, when I told him of just a few of the things I felt, was surprised that I was still a member of the church, that most would have left after all that. I looked at him incredulously and responded, "I love the Lord."
I met a girl in German and in our second semester together, I built up enough nerve to ask her out. I was already dating regularly and often, but this girl was different. After a few weeks of pulling out all the stops, I decided to quit trying with her, as another girl I was dating seemed genuinely interested in me. That weekend, the girl I tried so hard to have notice me brought me cookies. Things moved quickly and before I was even home a full year, I was married.
I can't recall too many spiritual bumps in the road. My wife and I carried on as many other good mormon couples. I still struggled through meetings. I was hard pressed to find good religious reading material as most LDS authors left me desiring more...something. We had moved to Chicago. We were temple workers, presidents, clerks, teachers. We were good LDS people. Then, the internet happened. Information was streaming into our lives. Mine wouldn't be the same.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUVJ9_8NyXY
I didn't want this in the narrative, but I realized just recently, as I revisit this time in my life, that I wasn't alone. I thought I was. I never wanted to talk about my mission experience. I didn't like it. I found this on the web from another LDS that experienced similar feelings. http://runtu.wordpress.com/2012/07/31/spinning-the-mission-experience/
ReplyDeleteIt is a very interesting read. I was not alone. For 20+ years I thought I was. How I dealt with it was just a coping mechanism, like many others I've adopted, to keep my mind calm, and present a sort of facade to those around us.
Darn good read.