Saturday, September 8, 2012

9. Better Now

My discussions with my wife concerning my disaffection with the church are a private issue. My biggest fear was that she would not understand and demand a divorce. I love her more than anything else, more than the church, God, my own life. The feeling that she might not feel the same wasn't a comfortable one. While she was understanding, I can completely understand the difficulty that she had coming to terms with this. She looks at church differently than I do.

I did have a few moments of despair feeling that I couldn't possibly be a good parent without being a priesthood holder, etc. My views of fatherhood were all tied up in church goals and teachings. Quite frankly, I was shocked by how strong those feelings were.

I didn't have much anger. It was more frustration. The church had been kind to me in many regards. I was trained in their schools. I had found my wife there, my kids were facilitated through church programs. Many of the best times of my life were due to the church or the people there. The church was my biggest hobby. I will be eternally grateful for all that it did for me.

But it isn't "true". It has some wonderful people, many of the best friends a person could have.

Do I think the teachings of the church are harmful? To a degree. My teenage years were screwed up enough and my pursuit of perfection was somewhat damaging. I probably wouldn't have gone through the depression I had during the mission years. Those were horrible and I wish I had them back. I feel the need to teach my children, or rather, unteach them some of the things they learn in church. I'm afraid this will set them at odds, the same way it did me. I mean, do I lie to them if they ask me my opinion of something? I think many long talks with my wife are ahead of me. I don't want my daughter to feel like she needs a man to complete her or  that she needs a man at all. I think anything about submissiveness is probably bad.

I'm sure I'll have more later, but I'm through with that list for now.

I do find I am having trouble finding something to replace this. I have trouble finding much joy in the things I normally do. I don't think I'm depressed, as I know full well what that feels like. I'm just finding myself again, and I'm enjoying the trip.

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