10. Turn The Page

I’ve mostly come to terms with all of the changes that have happened in my life the past few years. It honestly has been very enlightening and gut-wrenching at the same time. One additional change that I don’t think I have mentioned yet, is that I’ve evidently tried to purge my life of additional sources of conflict. I used to be a regular listener of talk radio. I found that I rarely consider it an option any longer and seem to have slipped into being apolitical compared to what I was. During my reinvestigation of the church, I found I was listening to podcast after podcast of all things LDS trying to determine what underlying truth there may be. On a few occasions, I listened to talk radio on my way home from work and I got myself worked up to the point where I had to turn it off. I just no longer wanted that in my life.

I also found that I didn’t have a lot in the hobby department to fall back on. The last decade was reading and debating and learning religion and other ideas. How in the world had I missed out on some of those things that I enjoy? That isn’t to say that I didn’t get things. I bought a nice TV. A nice stereo (but not nearly as loud as the one it replaced) and PS3 rounded out some of my entertainment options. I did watch a lot of movies. I became interested in Bollywood because I like the costumes and Indian culture as a whole. Still, the majority of my time seemed a bit obsessed about religion. I figure it was my striving to find order and structure amidst the chaos that I really found mentally. I spent nights staring at the walls at night trying to figure out the bigger things in life. Little did I realize that those things I was wrestling with were really just my own internal war.

I have lots of books. Even the religious ones still hold some interest to me, but it is greatly reduced. On a trip to Utah I stopped at the Krishna temple there in Spanish Fork. I picked up a few t-shirts for Tracy and some books for me. The ones I purchased were small books that combined were called “Krishna” which spoke on some of the highlights of the gods’ life. At one point in my struggles I was reading a section in the book where it spoke about Krishna having multiple incarnations along with his wife and they numbered about 15000 different households. I tossed the book away from me because of it’s pure ridiculousness. I didn’t want to believe in a ridiculous religion. I wanted a religion that was rational, that made sense, not just internally, but within the world. I learned a lot about what I was looking for that night. I’m sorry if I put it in those terms, but that is what I felt.

So I am trying to build up interest in those things that I was interested in before the internet overtook my learning. I have two volumes of Sherlock Holmes that my Mother In Law gave me as a gift, and several hundred other books I inherited when she passed on.  I have books of essays, history, railroading and military interest. I want to become a better writer so I started to read letters from the best writers, Thomas Jefferson and perhaps some Shakespeare. This world is filled with interesting things and interesting people. There is no end to what I can learn. I hope this isn’t just self directed. I want to become closer to the people that matter to me, engage them in thought and find out what they enjoy, and what makes life enjoyable. I want to travel a bit more, spend time with Tracy and do those things that I loved about her when we first wed.

It really is a wonderful life, one that doesn’t have to be filled with endless self-judging and engaged in meaningless contemplation. I want to do, dream, love and fill and be filled with happiness. It has been a rough ten years. I want it to change and I want to change myself.

As part of this introductory section on my own journey, I’ve taken lyrics, scriptures as titles. I’m not sure if I’ll continue to do that, but I do find that rather fun to do. I called this last piece, “Turn The Page” which is a recurring theme in some of Rush’s music. They actually have a song entitled “Turn The Page” and I found it very comforting while preparing to go to BYU, right off my mission. I had to move on from that pain, hurt and confusion that I felt and turn the page to the next part of my life. I feel that once again I have to do that so the song is once again appropriate, although for a different reason.

Truth is after all a moving target
Hairs to split, and pieces that don’t fit.
How can anybody be enlightened?
Truth is, after all, so poorly lit.

It’s just the age
It’s just a stage
We disengage
We turn the page

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1qgn7KSPgo

or

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E0m0Gcblp0

9. Better Now

My discussions with my wife concerning my disaffection with the church are a private issue. My biggest fear was that she would not understand and demand a divorce. I love her more than anything else, more than the church, God, my own life. The feeling that she might not feel the same wasn't a comfortable one. While she was understanding, I can completely understand the difficulty that she had coming to terms with this. She looks at church differently than I do.

I did have a few moments of despair feeling that I couldn't possibly be a good parent without being a priesthood holder, etc. My views of fatherhood were all tied up in church goals and teachings. Quite frankly, I was shocked by how strong those feelings were.

I didn't have much anger. It was more frustration. The church had been kind to me in many regards. I was trained in their schools. I had found my wife there, my kids were facilitated through church programs. Many of the best times of my life were due to the church or the people there. The church was my biggest hobby. I will be eternally grateful for all that it did for me.

But it isn't "true". It has some wonderful people, many of the best friends a person could have.

Do I think the teachings of the church are harmful? To a degree. My teenage years were screwed up enough and my pursuit of perfection was somewhat damaging. I probably wouldn't have gone through the depression I had during the mission years. Those were horrible and I wish I had them back. I feel the need to teach my children, or rather, unteach them some of the things they learn in church. I'm afraid this will set them at odds, the same way it did me. I mean, do I lie to them if they ask me my opinion of something? I think many long talks with my wife are ahead of me. I don't want my daughter to feel like she needs a man to complete her or  that she needs a man at all. I think anything about submissiveness is probably bad.

I'm sure I'll have more later, but I'm through with that list for now.

I do find I am having trouble finding something to replace this. I have trouble finding much joy in the things I normally do. I don't think I'm depressed, as I know full well what that feels like. I'm just finding myself again, and I'm enjoying the trip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13mYOXESv18

8. I Have Nothing Left

I'll be writing about some things here that some may not want to read. It will change the view you have of the church, even if you still believe in it, unless you just don't believe me. That's okay too.

My re-investigation of the church took several years. I'd been doing quite a bit all along. I wish I told my wife about it during the time, but somethings are learned the hard way. I doubt she would have approved anyway. As I've written before, I have always had some problems with the church. There are a few things that kept me engaged. One is my feeling that the Book of Mormon was a strong testimony of Christ, even though I really wouldn't have recommended it to many as a good read. Second, the dream I had during my mission to "Stay". While I have never felt that it was a testimony of the truth claims of the church, I did have a feeling that God was aware of me. (My bishop once suggested it was a testimony of the truth of the church. I couldn't disagree more. I didn't get a testimony of the church, but a direction for my life to immediately take.) The third was the night I proposed to my future wife. It was a very strange experience, and one I can consider as a rush of endorphins or adrenalin if I chose to.

So, I knew what that feeling was like, the one LDS attribute to the Holy Ghost. I made a careful note of when they occurred. I also made note of when my mind did little things to alert me to something. Quite regularly, my mind plays tricks on me, like putting the sound of my cell phone in my head to wake me up, for no apparent reason. It seemed that those feelings were distributed throughout my day. I would feel the "spirit" at inappropriate times. I could feel it at church, on the road, and my most consistent was during the start of "For Those About To Rock" by AC/DC. If those feelings were just my own emotions or the "spirit" and I couldn't distinguish, then it wasn't a good source for determining objective truth. Next I had to test other issues. One of the first was that I stopped paying tithing. I was told and have told others that tithing would bring blessings. It has for me, but not directly. Because I was a tithe payer, I could use the church agencies for our adoptions and I could attend the temple. I found peace at the temple, but also frustration which I will go into later. After not paying for some time, all I found was that I was blessed with more money. I felt free to buy what I've wanted for so long, a motorcycle. If tithing brings blessings, then it should be falsifiable. I didn't feel any different after a year. Yes, I should have talked to my wife about it, but then I probably wouldn't have been able to test it. Mixed feelings on that.

I did start listening to Mormon Stories podcasts. I have listened to many of the previously, but I paid more attention to them this time. I tried to stay away from the apologetics this time, because many of them were merely ad hominem attacks against the critics. For example, Grant Palmer was roundly attacked on the boards many years previous because he wrote an "anti" book while working for CES. Well, his interview with John Dehlin was particularly interesting. I didn't care for the man, but I cared about what he said. Many of the things he said I knew from my studies, but I never took them to a logical conclusion. The big issue I had was with polygamy that Joseph practiced. I knew he did it in secret. I knew that he married girls as young as 14. I knew he promised Eternal Life to those who agreed. I knew he married other men's wives. However, I loved his writings. I never put it together that if my bishop ever tried to do this, I would call it abusive, an abuse of authority and felonious. I put what I knew in context to what I would do if this was asked of me now. I wouldn't put up with it. I knew that what William Law published in the Expositor was truthful, that Joseph reacted like a man caught in the act. I knew this for over a decade. I didn't pursue it then because it would be emotionally harmful if I took it to the conclusion it demanded.

http://mormonthink.com/grant6.htm
http://mormonthink.com/grant7.htm

While some of these things were new to me, many items weren't and are undisputed by the apologists. We know Joseph did these things. It is well researched and is well attested. The only apologetic answer is that some of these women had spiritual confirmation. Well, some didn't, and rejected Joseph's advances and the church has taken after them. I also read long and hard all of section 132. I have always known that it speaks harshly to Emma. By this time though, my own feminism had come back strong and I just couldn't bear it. Emma was treated too harshly. Also, women are treated as objects to be handed to the faithful. (Joseph was a liar and a horrible husband to Emma exampled how he treated her. He lied about his marriages and closed down the Relief Society when she became a problem to his trysts.) Women are not things that can be traded for good behavior. I don't want to worship a god that treats them so. There is a reason why the last verses of Section 132 are never studied in the church. It is misogynist. I wouldn't want my wife, my friends, my daughter treated as this section describes.

I also contemplated the situation of a close friend. I knew what the promises and curses that were associated with leaving the church. I couldn't bear having this happen to her. I knew she loved her husband and any god that would be so vengeful on a couple, to separate them eternally, because the movings of the spirit are so vague, so subjective... It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. The logic of Doctrine and Covenants 76 was starting to fall apart for me. I found it hard to justify the magic spells that we utter in our chapels and temples as binding of anything. They were words. These are people. They shouldn't be reduced to uttering a few words and towing the line. Obedience started losing it's power over me. Why be in subjugation to men because of their station? One of my random writings started taking apart the priesthood, if it had any power or significance. The things that I once viewed as miracles had disappeared as I gained more experience in the world. If the priesthood held no power, discernible power, then of what use was it? It had been a stumbling block throughout my church experience. We talk about the priesthood being the power that created the worlds. Well, the Krishna's have an analog, and I view that as so much empty words too. Why give these words more power than is demonstrable?

As an aside, as my friend had related her status, I had quite a hard time with the concept on raising my children outside of the church. I had more than a few moments of panic. Of course, billions of children are being raised outside of the church, but this is one of those moments when you realize your thinking has been affected. I have never been a fan of the church's youth program, yet here I was despairing at the thought of not raising them in it. I had this and other thoughts that surprised me in that I actually had them. I found that very educational in what had happened to me, and any indoctrination that I have had.

I still had not found anything other than emotional justification to the Atonement. It was time I be honest with myself. I appreciate Jesus' teachings, but I couldn't find any reason other than an emotional reason to believe in the atonement. I know that shows how faithless I had become, but I was always borderline anyway.

The temple. It was my most beloved institution. I was a temple worker for many years. I had built up many various reasons on why the endowment was the way it was. I always had known it was "borrowed" by JS from the masons. I had looked at many sources that seemed to be ancient descriptions of something similar to the endowment. I had reasons to believe why some things were the way they were. I listened to a Mormon Expressions podcast, several hours, where a mason described what was taken and from where. Much of the endowment was borrowed from an 18th century ceremony instituted by the masons. The blood oaths....why they didn't sicken and repel me when I did my endowments in the '80s, I'll never know. I guess I had too much invested in the church to become disturbed by it. I mean, when I realized that "cupping" was to hold our entrails after we symbolically killed ourselves....that was it. Done. Temple is done for me. If I ever return to it, that will need to be explained away. (BTW, this was more clear in previous versions of the endowment.)

I didn't spend much time on the problems of the Book of Abraham. I never spent any time to criticism of it before even though I knew that JS had gotten the translation wrong on all counts. I like the Book of Abraham (much stolen from masonry) but it isn't a translation. JS clearly proved himself a fraud in being a translator. If that was a fraud, then the Book of Mormon could be a fraud.

My tipping point on the Book of Mormon came from what I already knew of biblical scholarship. Some of the writings of Isaiah simply weren't written by the time Lehi left Jerusalem. Moroni was a rip-off of Paul. I couldn't understand why all the time spent on useless items were engraved on plates. It was quite possible that none of the witnesses actually saw any physical, uncovered plates. The lost 116 pages showed JS's desperation at not being able to rewrite the story. The explanation in the D&C always appeared forced and simple analysis would have shown how silly it was. JS also kept playing Martin Harris, promising to pay for half of the printing and a later revelation made him, Martin Harris pay the entire cost. How convenient. The same trick was played in Nauvoo. "Stop building the temple, Joseph needs his house finished first."

The first vision as we know it was probably lifted from a boy JS visited in Kirtland, at a time when his authority was questioned. The previous versions were significantly different and seemed to be structured towards a con. The restoration of the M. Priesthood was announced years after the fact, again at a time when authority was questioned. (See chapter 7 on this link) It just felt like a con and I had to ask myself, if I would be a member of this church, knowing this now, as a convert. The answer was a simple "No." There are too many questions, history is not clear. The reason I was in it now is because I love my family. I love my family more than anything else. My family is in the church. I no longer believe in it, but I believe in my family.

I had to completely disassemble my faith before I came to any conclusion. Once I reached it, I had the pain of talking to my wife. Many who left the church had their families break up. I would hope my wife loved me more than that.

If the workings of the spirit really are what the LDS Church claims, then I can say, while I was at work one day toiling away mentally on all of this, was struggling coming to terms with all that I knew and debated internally, I asked myself how I can continue believing it. My family, my life was tied into this church and how can I keep belief going with what my study has presented to me, what I think is the truth. I had some words voice themselves in my mind..."You don't have to believe it." If I was to put this to the test in the LDS paradigm, I believe it would pass. I felt an extreme burden lifted off my mind. I didn't need to struggle between two propositions. I could come to the conclusion that the LDS Church isn't what it claimed to be, and that it was alright. I have felt more at peace with my decision. If this was the Lord answering my prayers, then it took me some time to realize it. If it wasn't, then I can still be at peace. I don't need to struggle with this any longer. I wish it was easier, as other issues started coming forward...

Evanescence - Lost in Paradise

I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me

All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

7. Force 10

Facebook Happened. I am not sure how else to put it. I found people that I had been looking for for the last twenty some years. Some were high school classmates, some were from college.

I found the companion on my mission that had the biggest affect on me. I found the girl that I knew from my favorite area whose family helped me overcome my longing to feel normal, wanted and appreciated. She had such an impression on me that I named my daughter after her. I had written a heart-felt letter to her, to try and express how much her friendship had meant to me. I took a trip out East and tried to get in touch with her but our schedules didn't mesh.

The biggest effect was it opened up emotions, feelings that I had held down for so long. I guess it was a life changing moment, facing all these memories, embracing them.

I was at the farm on vacation and I was using the facebook app on my phone, checking my feed and a friend had posted something....and in the comments section was a comment from from my old girlfriend. The rush of emotion hit me like a 2x4 aside the head. There were a few people that I had determined I would have to wait to the afterlife to let them know all that they had done for me, how they had changed my life. Most I had found and let them know. Here was the woman that changed my life the most (aside from my wife), although she probably didn't know it. Her leaving made me change the person I was, to claw my way out of depression with the resolve to be a better person, to never treat anyone like that again; never to treat myself like that again. The need of forgiveness, to talk to the first person I ever opened up to, to be honest with myself, her, my wife...It all struck me with a wave of desperation, wanting. I can't speak to how detached I became from everyone or everything at that point. My life was at a moment of change, and I could feel it. I felt so vulnerable, alone, yet my chance to make my life right, to let go of the burden I had carried so long. How painful it was!

I can't remember how long I ruminated over what I should do. I was besides myself. I wanted to do what was right, and make sure I wanted to do this for the right reasons. How long I wanted to talk to her, to ask her to forgive me for how I had acted, that my life was different and how much it had changed my life. I was still ashamed at what I had done. I had to overcome my pride. I needed to!

One day, on the way home from work, I broke down, crying. I pulled off the road and I needed to get this out of my system. I needed to let her know how sorry I was. I still thought she was mad at me, which is probably silly after such a long time. It was horrible to think that my one-time best friend was mad at me for so long.  Still, it was my most important relationship I had had to that point in my life, and I failed miserably at it. It was unbelievable how much this had affected me, how deep I drove this down because it was so raw. Was my life to this point so empty? Had I been dishonest with my wife? Would she understand? Where will my life be after I let this go?

I composed myself sometime later and wrote a note to our mutual friend. I didn't want this to be misinterpreted. I figured I could ease into this. I'm not sure if anyone really knew how tortured I had been because of this. I opened communication with her, with my wife's knowledge, and I hope that we are continuing a good friendship. I was actually giddy just because of the burden that had been removed from my soul.

It opened a tsunami of other things though. I opened up with the difficulties of my mission. My struggles with the church became more pronounced. My musings on the nature of sin took center stage, because of what I went through I couldn't attribute to Christ, and if we have eternity to forgive each other, why was the atonement needed? Why can't God do what we do every day, meaning, forgive each other? I spoke with my friends, my wife, the internet...I needed to see why the atonement was really necessary, and I wasn't getting an answer. I knew what the scriptures said, but I needed something real, not just conceptual. Since I wanted to become a better writer, I took to several exercises like free form writing. In one exercise, I decided to write those things that I never before gave any voice to. It shocked me the concerns, and thoughts I had. A close friend had confided in me with her church status, and it was someone that I couldn't dismiss. Dismiss is the word I purposefully use. I had dismissed my other friends who had left, and the bitterness that they felt. I couldn't dismiss this friend. She was important to me. I wanted her in my life, in whatever level, and my friendship wasn't founded in church status.

I had asked my High Priest Group Leader to be released from any teaching assignments, as I didn't want my views to bother any others, and I felt that it had affected a few of my friends there. I spoke with the bishop and was "dismissed" by him but he agreed that I shouldn't have teaching assignments. I studied, and I did not read any "anti-LDS" materials at this point. LDS sources were troubling enough. In one post on a board, the writer mentioned that we preference our sources. If the sources were correct, what difference does it matter the point of view of the author? I had read "Rough Stone Rolling" and that practically admitted that Joseph Smith was guilty of adultery and that was written by an LDS historian. I decided I wasn't going to preference my thinking. Besides, I needed my rest. My working through this was keeping me up at night, and it was having a bad effect on my relationships.

6. Unwell

I read more and more trying to come to terms with the questions that I had. Some questions I didn't even have the vocabulary for. For my entire career as a christian, I never really did figure out what it meant that "Jesus died for me". I had an emotional response to that. I know that. As I matured in my beliefs I couldn't quite put a finger on what it really meant. I know it meant something because it was the reason I clung to what little faith I had. It had to be more than just the emotion, didn't it?

I read books. Lots of diverse books. I had the emotion, but the rational side of me needed justification. It had to be something other than the feelings. I knew that religion brought out the best and worst of people. I think it brought out the best in me. And lest someone question, I still do think that the theology of the LDS Church is superior than that of the rest of Christianity. My faith in scripture had eroded substantially. The Book of Mormon simply put me off as time went on. The writing was poor and the storyline became more difficult to rationalize. My own beliefs in the scientific method and my own sense of reality had already pushed the Old Testament into nothing but mythology. I found great wisdom in the story of Adam and Eve but I didn't believe that Adam actually existed (but this didn't lead to my discarding the revelations of JS, oddly). I doubt Moses existed and viewed the Pentateuch as more of a tribal history than anything that actually happened. The morality of the OT, the genocide, killing of all but virgins, and the God presented was certainly not something I found worthy of worship. Isaiah still held my interest but very little else did. It seemed more and more the sacrifice of Jesus seemed tied to the killing of animals in the temple. If killing animals couldn't cleans sin, why then would human sacrifice do it? It is only the  scale of it that gave it meaning, and that seemed to be what the BoM was telling me too.

My faith in the New Testament was put into question by "The Orthodox Corruption of Scripture" by Bart Ehrman. He showed by scholarship how much the scriptures had been manipulated (His study eventually led to his leaving the faith). I also found that the High Christology presented in the NT was of a much later edit and that was a problem with the BoM as the Christology was way too high for the jews of the pre-exile period. The more I read the more the BoM presented itself as a post 6th century document. Even the defenders had issues with it. More and more of my friends on the boards were leaving the church. Little did I realize that if you are an apologist, you are already in stage 4 of Fowler and the cognitive dissonance is manifesting itself. Some sort of resolution needs to be made and most leave the church in order to calm themselves of the conflict. But all that is what I accepted later. At the time, I just wished them well.

Sometime after our adoption of our children from Guatemala (2006), I was turned on to a man named Blake Ostler. His books were incredibly educational. While most of it went over my head, I found some comfort in the philosophical musings on LDS thought. The second book, "The Problems of Theism and the Love of God" was a flood of ideas, language and an epiphany on my thoughts on the atonement. Here was what I was wrestling with, but I didn't have the words. Literally, I didn't have the words. (punny, that). My conflicts were there expressed. My difficulty was made manifest. My Review. I must have tired my wife to no end as I tried to sort out my emotions, excitement, and the theory of the Atonement that Ostler presented. It provided some solace, but eventually, it wasn't enough.

Ostler presented an idea that the atonement was best modeled after the Parable of the Prodigal Son, that the pain of the atonement was based on his resolve, his hope to build a more intimate relationship with us, as the father did in the Prodigal. Forgiveness is pain. It isn't that Sin is pain, but forgiveness is. That is how the Atonement is devoid of time restrictions. That pain transcends time. This did leave an issue with what Sin really consisted of, and eventually that is what I found as being the weakness of the theory. He, Ostler, needed Sin to be meaningful, so he constructed a meaning. I saw it for what it was, a construct for what he needed to shoehorn it into the scriptural record. I soon became disconsolate again.

Then Facebook Happened.

5. And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently

I always had an interest in religions. My interest in Hinduism began mostly by looking at the strange pictures in the Krishna Books that my brother picked up in college. When I attended BYU I routinely listened to the Krishna station there while sometimes finding humor in the presentation. I didn't act much upon my interest during the 90's as my wife and I were busy becoming established and doing our callings in the church. At some point I became interested in Patristics, or the study of the Early Church Fathers of Christianity. I'm not exactly sure what sparked it. I remember a site created by a fellow LDS author that attempted to connect LDS teachings with the ECF. I distinctly remember downloading the Pre-Nicean documents and storing it on a floppy disk. I also started to look at LDS history. One of the things I remember was finding the text of the Nauvoo Expositor, the newspaper whose destruction eventually landed Joseph Smith in jail. While I hadn't put any analytic energy towards the incident, I remember thinking that there wasn't anything in the Expositor that was untruthful. It must have been that JS didn't want that information out in public. At the time, I couldn't see JS's actions as covering up any sins or misdeeds. I was still enamored of his teachings.

There is a saying in LDS apologetics as "putting things on the shelf". Those are the issues that come up while studying that we can't find a good answer to, or are challenging to one's belief. You "put it on the shelf" hoping that some time later there will be an answer or explanation. I had just started building my shelf. The Expositor and Joseph's reaction were the first issues I distinctly remember setting aside to tackle later.

All this time, I always considered that it was my fault that I didn't enjoy the services of the church. I always put the pressure on myself for these things. The temple wasn't exactly the most spiritual experience for me, and I just didn't understand the underlying ideas. I figured more experience would teach me these things. Indeed, I started to develop some intricate ideas, assuming that these things came from God. Apologetics seemed to help some of my questions.

The more I studied, the more I came to terms with the difficulties that religion posed. The problem of Evil, injustice, the nature of sin, the meaning of inspiration. I tried to understand it all, to make sense of those things that just didn't want to mesh with reality. In many ways, I have always been a humanist or fatalist. I just didn't think that God interacted with humanity all that much. The fingerprints just weren't there. But here I was a member of a church that teaches that God is involved intricately with people's lives. I had some huge issues to try and answer. The shelf kept getting more populated. My studies of other religions helped me see the humanity underlying it all. I started thinking that mankind can convince itself of whatever it wants to. I still didn't see that I was convinced of something that just wasn't true, but I think I was firmly transitioning to Fowler's Stages of Faith stage 3 to stage 4. If you even start to ask questions, you are moving into stage 4.

I started getting more involved with LDS Apologetics. I even found out of my first child's adoption while attending the first conference of FAIR in Utah. I was just starting to get involved in other message boards where I interfaced with members of other faiths. My most active was at Christians Online and I developed some friendships there. I was still firmly LDS, but I was beginning to see the wisdom and points of view of others. I was very devoted at this time to learning as much as I could as my questions were becoming more complex, more informed.

4. Time Stand Still

I did pray about it. I had a dream and I was explicitly told to "Stay". So I did. I didn't like that answer. However, if it was from God, then so be it. If it wasn't, so be it. I really didn't have a whole lot of will power at that point to have a discussion with myself on the matter.

I set some rules for myself. I needed to be true to myself. I didn't believe that rule X or Y made any sense, so as far as I was concerned, they didn't matter and I wasn't going to sweat over it. If I caused a fuss, then send me home. I didn't care. I needed to get out of whatever hole I was in and that was that. I had a companion at that time that more than helped and could see how desperate I was for any kind of normalcy.
I was eventually transferred to Catskill, NY. It wasn't hell, but you could've seen it from there. I personally became better and had a good companion. The branch was horrible but we had some people that tolerated us. It was a beautiful area. I wished I could have enjoyed it more. I only gave away one Book of Mormon there. She wanted to give it back, but we wouldn't let her. They closed the area after they transferred us out.
Danbury, CT. It was fantastic. My comp was wonderful and I truly enjoyed my time there. I met some great people and for once in the past year and a half, I felt like a person again. I had my only baptism there. I don't think he understood what was going on, but we did get a wonderful party out of it. My last month I was sent to Derby. Nothing of note. My mind was already home. BYU had re-accepted me and I was going back to reclaim the person that was me.

Dating was treacherous. It was a minefield that I didn't recall, but it was probably because I was now a Return Missionary (RM). Some of these girls were in it to win. I did meet "the girl" and she had married. She worked in the bookstore, and I steadfastly avoided the bookstore. It hurt to know what kind of a person I was just a year earlier. I was ashamed of myself and I just wanted to hide from it all. I was faithful through all of this. One of my closest friends, when I told him of just a few of the things I felt, was surprised that I was still a member of the church, that most would have left after all that. I looked at him incredulously and responded, "I love the Lord."

I met a girl in German and in our second semester together, I built up enough nerve to ask her out. I was already dating regularly and often, but this girl was different. After a few weeks of pulling out all the stops, I decided to quit trying with her, as another girl I was dating seemed genuinely interested in me. That weekend, the girl I tried so hard to have notice me brought me cookies. Things moved quickly and before I was even home a full year, I was married.

I can't recall too many spiritual bumps in the road. My wife and I carried on as many other good mormon couples. I still struggled through meetings. I was hard pressed to find good religious reading material as most LDS authors left me desiring more...something. We had moved to Chicago. We were temple workers, presidents, clerks, teachers. We were good LDS people. Then, the internet happened. Information was streaming into our lives. Mine wouldn't be the same.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUVJ9_8NyXY